Why Link Will Probably Remain Single Forever
by Foundations of Stone
Summary: A series of one-shots containing absolutely ridiculous scenarios telling us why Link will never actually get the girl. Warning: strange humor, and potential violence in future chapters.
1. Chapter 1 Navi

**Hey all! Yesterday, I realized that it had been a long time since I had written something, while I was outside. I remembered reading somewhere, that people actually like the LinkXNavi paring, and I decided to write a one-shot about the pairing. But be warned, this is not supposed to be romantic, it's supposed to be humour ( strange humour, but humour all the same), so if you happen to like this paring, I suggest you leave, before I potentially offend you. **

**Hey! You're still here! I guess that means the some people don't mind me making fun of certain parings. I'll probably be doing a one-shot for every LOZ pairing that isn't yaoi ( how on earth do you pronounce that?). Yup, dear readers, this means I'll even be making fun of my personal favourites ( LinkXMalon, LinkXOC). **

**Without further ado, the disclaimer!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Legend of Zelda, or anything related to it. Trust me, if I did, Fi would say useful things more often.**

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><p>Today was the day-the day where Link and Navi, the love of his life, would be going on the date that would change everything between them. Tonight, Link would propose to the girl-ahem, sorry-fairy of his dreams. He had been planning this for months, and he knew he was doing the right thing. Navi- as her name suggested- had been his navigator and friend ever since the Great Deku Tree had asked her to watch over him as a young boy.<p>

Link smiled as he fingered the tiny ring he had order a few weeks ago. He was positive that it would fit Navi's tiny finger ( well, technically, we never see her body or fingers- we just see this annoying, floating, ball of light). Link had also chosen the perfect restaurant for their date, it had an outdoors patio and it was famous for its spaghetti and meatballs- Navi's favorite. With a silent prayer to the goddesses, Link headed out to pick up Navi.

Smiling as he reached Navi's tiny leaf hut, Link crouched down and gently tapped on the tree bark doors. " Hello?" Navi called as she flew out the door and nearly into Link's face. " Oh!" She exclaimed, blushing. Well, Link couldn't prove that she was blushing, but he was pretty sure judging from the rosy hue her ball of light was. He chuckled " are you ready?" Navi flew into his adventurers pouch and squeaked " let's go!" from inside.

The two sat down at their patio tale. " It's kind of breeze here" Link commented " it won't blow you away, will it?" Navi picked up her fork made out of toothpicks " It's not too bad, I'll be fine" she responded, taking a tiny bite out of her meatball. She was wrong.

As the night progressed, the breeze turned into a strong wind. It became so windy that Navi was blown into a pile of sauce, and Link, not paying attention, promptly stabbed her with his fork, thinking she was a meatball and stuffed her into his mouth. It wasn't until he heard a weak " Hey! Listen!" and a crunch that he realized his mistake. Quickly spitting her out onto his hand, he began to sniffle at the sight of Navi's broken body. " Nooooooo" he wailed, his eyes watering " I loved you Navi!"

To make matters worse, the strong wind blew her chewed up body onto the floor where she was stepped on by a bustling waitress.

**Sorry if you notice any words with missing letters, my keys hate me right now. * glares at 'T' key***

**Anyways, what did you guys think? I know that this would never happen in Hyrule, but I was outside when this image popped into my head and I couldn't stop laughing... I have a really weird sense of humour...  
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**Reviews would be most welcome, and feel free to request a pairing. XD Next up will probably be LinkXRuto though.**


	2. Chapter 2 Ruto

**Hey all! Thanks for all the reviews, I wasn't expecting to get such positive feed back!**

**Laureen Lycan- I'm glad I could make you laugh, thanks for the review! **

**ZeldaRubix- Really? You liked it that much? I'm flattered * sniff, sniff*. The part where Navi falls into the sauce was inspired by Disney's Lady and the Tramp- for some strange reason I kept picturing that happening to her on a date with Link. I like to be different, so I thank you for that compliment. :)**

**OlegEqualzName- Link and Navi fuse together? I hadn't considered that idea, but thanks for the review! I hope you enjoy this chapter. **

**Reyser- I'm glad you liked it. :) I get what you mean, about how will marriage work out and stuff. XD I've never quite understood the paring myself.**

**Saviour of Hyrule- I'm not entirely sure if weird is a good or bad thing to you, but I'll take it as a compliment. Thanks for reviewing!**

**Thanks to all of you who favoured this story, or put it ( or myself) on alert, you guys made my day. :)**

**Disclaimer: Last I checked, I don't own the rights to Legend of Zelda, but I'd probably butcher the franchise. :P**

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><p>Link smiled to himself as he entered Zora's Domain. He had received a letter stating that the 1037 eggs that his wife, Ruto, had laid were moving on the the next stage in their life cycle. The letter had asked him to come at one, but Link hadn't needed to be ordered- what parent wouldn't want to see their fish children begin to grow up?<p>

He turned the corner, nodding in thanks as each Zora he passed murmured a "congratulations". He wondered what the Zora-Hylian children would look like. Would they take after their mother or their father? These questions kept swirling through his head as he reached the door leading into the room containing the 'children' and Ruto.

Opening the door, Link's eyes widened in surprise as what stood before him. It was like an army of scaly, bug eyed, Zora-Hylian offspring all shouting " FATHER!" at the same time. Ruto turned to him, smiling " what do you think?" Link struggled to find his voice as he stared at these creepy _things_ that were supposed to be his children " I-I" he stuttered, unable to voice his thoughts.

Suddenly, he felt a sharp pain in his chest as he slumped to the ground. Yes, dear readers, the sheer hideousness of the offspring had given him a heart attack.

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><p>Two days later, four Zora carried Link's body on a stretcher into the main throne room where King Zora would clear the way to where Lord Jabu-Jabu resided. " The Hero of Time will be missed by all. And although he never had the time to get to know his children, I am positive that they would have loved him the way we did." King Zora rumbled, bending his head in sorrow.<p>

One of the older Zora stepped forward " the king will now clear the way to Lord Jabu-Jabu" he announced, just barely disguising his eye roll.

King Zora then began the familiar- but painfully slow- routine of moving out of the way so Link's body bearers could make it through the tunnel. This process soon began to stretch on so long, that one newbie Zora guard timidly stated " we can get throug-"

"Silence!"

This went on for such a long time, that by the time King Zora had moved out of the way, Link's body had decomposed and all that was left of him was the skeleton.

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><p><strong>You made it this far without your head exploding from all the inaccuracies? Congratulations, you get a virtual cake, from yours featherly.<strong>

**Anyways, all strangeness aside, did you like it? I'll admit that I did a better job on the first chapter, but after scrapping my first idea for this chapter, and spending a very long time editing ( I'm never truly happy with my work)- I think it's alright.**

**I'll try and do an update every week, but I'm doing an accelerated program for my homeschooling ( darn you, A Beka!), so we'll see how that works out. Also, I got the summer job I wanted! SQUEEEEEEEE. I'll be living up at a camp for the summer doing housekeeping/guest services ( I'm a strange girl). Also, I get free Wi-Fi up there so I won't have to go through fanfiction withdrawal. :D**

**Reviews would be most appreciated, but aren't necessary. **

**Fly On,**

**Foundations of Stone **

**P. S. How old do you think Link is in Skyward Sword? I'm in the planning stages of a fanfiction that will (hopefully) be posted once this one is complete, and Link's age is fairly important. My guess is he's between sixteen and nineteen, but I'd rather have a more solid answer.  
><strong>


	3. Chapter 3 Midna

**Hey all! I probably would have updated sooner, but I procrastinate way too much. I've spent so many hours that should have been spent on typing this up, watching the Legend of Zelda Cartoon and InuYasha. *shakes head* I really need a life.**

**ZeldaRubix- Phew, I was concerned that it wouldn't turn out very well, but it seems you liked it. :) Thanks for reviewing!**

**Princess Zora- Haha, I sometimes use caps to get my point across as well. Yeah, Link and Ruto were pretty busy, but it's not as if Hyrule needed saving so I guess he was really, really, bored. Really? You're homeschooled too? AWESOME! Anyways, I would just tell people what grade you're in according to homeschooling standards-that's what I do. Thanks for reviewing!**

**Kaoru Tezuka- You love it? Yay! * happy dance* I agree with you, those are definitely the pairings I'll have more trouble writing about 'cause they actually make sense. XD Thanks for describing how to pronounce Yaoi , your description made me chuckle. **

**HAVOCSTRIKE2395- Thanks for the compliment, I appreciate it, and yes, I plan on continuing this until my strange little brain runs out of ideas. :P**

**Roowbin- I'll definitely add Fi to the list, I could do so many things with that pairing *evil laugh*. Anyways, thanks for telling me Link's age, it is most appreciated. Haha, don't worry, I plan on continuing for a while. Thanks for the review!**

**Reyser- I'm glad you liked it, but I agree, logic would ruin it. :P I guess we'll never know how long that took though, Ruto is very secretive about these things, and I'm still attempting to revive Link. I'm kinda new to this whole ' revive characters that I kill off' thing, so I could take a while and there might be side effects.**

**SAVIOR OF HYRULE- Link must have been very desperate, considering he nearly ate his girlfriend in the first chapter... Thanks for reviewing!**

**Keerosene- I'm glad it made you 'LOL', my weird sense of humour tends to have that effect on people.**

**Error Code 666- Tee hee, they are horrible... For some reason, I have an easier time writing random things like this than more serious fanfics. Thanks for reviewing!**

**Ribke D'Crazy- Oh dear, I hope you don't laugh your eyes off, that would be rather painful. :P Anyways, I appreciate the compliment, and your favourite paring ( whatever it is) will probably end up in here somewhere- I'm making a list of all the LOZ parings I can think of. Who know? It could be this chappie. **

**Hope you guys enjoy the latest instalment of ' Why Link Will Probably Remain Single... Forever'. On with the one-shot!**

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><p>Zelda and Link stood in the Mirror Chamber, watching as Midna sent a glowing tear towards the Mirror of Twilight. Midna turned her sad gaze towards the hero " Link... I... See you later" she murmured before turning and running towards the portal as the Mirror of Twilight shattered.<p>

Link, knowing that if he let her go now, he would never see Midna again. Not thinking about it a moment more, he dropped his sword, shield, and adventurers pouch so he would be faster, and made a mad dash for the portal. Ignoring Zelda's pleas for him to stop, Link dove through the portal just before it closed, and braced himself for the side effects of travelling between worlds.

He landed roughly on the ground outside of the Palace of Twilight and tried to stand, realizing too late that he had transformed into his wolf form. " Link?" Midna walked over to him in confusion " what are you doing here?" link, not being able to talk, hung his head at his stupidity. Midna narrowed her eyes " what happened-you forgot the Master sword, didn't you." she then face-palmed as Link started chasing his tail in that oh-so-adorable way that dogs do. " What do we do now?" Midna asked the hero, tapping her foot in impatience " you need to go home!" Link then stopped chasing his tail, and stared at the ruler of the Twilight Realm with his soulful, blue eyes until she finally caved " oh fine!" Midna snapped "you can come with me!" She then started towards the palace, with Link following right behind her, trying to ignore the strange looks the Twili were giving her.

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><p>Midna sat on her throne listening patiently as her adviser started listing the first things she should do as the new ruler. Suddenly, the adviser stopped speaking as they heard a crash coming from the kitchen area " come back here you mangy beast!" the head chef screeched, chasing Link into the throne room. Midna's right eye twitched " Link, get your furry butt over here and leave the poor chef alone" Link paused, trying to decide what was more important to him- Midna? Or the food he had stolen.<p>

Link thought about it- Midna had been mean to him when they first met, whereas food was always nice to him. Also, Midna was really pretty, and she smelled nice... But, food satisfied him, smelled good, and generally tasted good.

While Link was deciding who ( or what) he loved more , Midna's blood pressure was slowly rising " I. Said. Come!" she snapped, lunging at the wolf, who quickly dodged her hands, grabbed the food, and dashed out of the palace with Midna right on his heels.

The Twili soon heard a yelp that sounded quite dog-like, and the hero was never seen again.

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><p><strong>Meh... I'm not sure how I feel about this one, I probably could've done better, but what about you guys? What do you think? <strong>

**Anyways, the next chapter will probably be ZeLink, but it's subject to change. Anyways, random question, but what do you guys think of the Legend of Zelda cartoon? I started watching it two days ago, and I think it's the most amazing cartoon I've ever seen. It's a shame there's only thirteen episodes...**

***Shakes head* poor Link, he can never catch a break when it comes to women.  
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**Reviews are like tacos, they make me do a happy dance. :P**

**Foundations of Stone**


	4. Chapter 4 Zelda

**Sorry for the wait, guys! Life is pretty crazy on this side of the computer screen. Anyways, yes, this is the Zelink chapter ( it was going to come sooner or later) . You'll probably hate me by the end, but then it'll all be over and I can do some less popular pairings.**

**ZeldaRubix- It was implied that Midna killed Link, but you never know. ;) **

**Kaoru Tezuka- Yeah, I'm not really in favour of the Midna and Link pairing myself, and they probably would have a better brother-sister relationship than any other kind of relationship. /watches curiously as Kaoru runs away/**

**Princess Zora- Link has women issues, the poor sucker. Really? Your books are the wrong grade? My books are always right for me... Weird.**

**Ribke D'Crazy- Oopsies, my bad. That's mildly awkward. I never really cared for the Zelda and Link pairing until SS, just 'cause they have some really sweet scenes. This chapter is actually using the SS Link and Zelda, so I hope you like it.**

**SAVIOR OF HYRULE- You don't? Okay *shrugs*, if you say so. I'm glad you liked it though. Feel free to use the taco thing if you want. :)**

**Reyser- I really hope you don't die, but I'll hopefully be updating sooner than last time so you'll be able to forget all about this chapter. :P That made sense to me, I think it's called Fanficiton Logic. I have to agree, though, all dogs are the same, and being a hero would probably make a dog even more hungry. **

**HAVOCSTRIKE2395- Poor Midna, she lost out to food. XD As I mentioned above * points upwards* it was implied that Link was killed, but I'll leave his cause of death up to you. I'm glad you enjoyed the chapter, despite its shortness.**

**Thanks for reviewing guys, it means a lot. :D Just a warning, I fail at writing anything remotely romantic ( you'll soon be seeing that for yourselves), so feel free to throw tomatoes or something.**

**Disclaimer: Me? Own Legend of Zelda? **

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><p>Link smiled contentedly as he and Zelda relaxed on top of the goddess statue, soaking up the suns warm rays. The two of them had gone on quite an adventure, here on the surface, in the past little while. " Hey Zel" he began, shifting his gaze towards the reincarnated goddess " Groose mentioned this earlier, but I had forgotten about it until now."<p>

Zelda turned her head towards Link " what is it?" she asked, meeting his eyes with her own blue orbs. Link gestured to the land surrounding them " we ought to name this place, I mean, we can't just call it ' The Surface' forever... Can we?" Zelda shrugged " Didn't Groose already give it a name?"

Link snickered " you mean, _Grooseland_ ?" Zelda stared at him with a very unimpressed look on her face " there's nothing wrong with the name, after all, Groose was the first person who even thought of giving this place a name. Therefore, he should be allowed to name it."

The young hero stared in shock. For as long as he had known Zelda and Groose, Zelda had despised Groose, often referring to him as the moron with no fashion sense what so ever. " Why on earth are you going along with something so stupid?" he asked incredulously.

The girl sighed " can we change the subject?"

Link nodded" sure." sometimes he wondered if he would ever completely understand Zelda. But as he watched his childhood friend gaze out into the sunset, he decided that he needed to tell her how he felt, of else, he might never work up the courage to do it again.

" Zelda, I need to tell you something" he started, staring intently at his companion. Zelda raised an eyebrow " what is it?"

Link cleared his throat " Zelda, I-I lo-"

"Stop!" Zelda cut him off " I know what you are going to say and I..." she hesitated, Link frowned " and you?"

Zelda took a deep breath " I can't return your feelings because I'm in love with someone else." Link's mouth opened and closed like a fish out of water, Zelda loved someone else? Who on earth could it be? " Who?" was all me managed to get out, as his mind was still trying to grasp the concept.

Zelda closed her eyes " Groose."

She looked like she wanted to say something else, but Link didn't stay to hear it. He grabbed his sailcloth and jumped off, he needed to get out of here.

Once he reached his ground, he ran into some random portal that had signs all around it saying ' Entrance to the **Fortress ****of ****Doom,**and in parentheses below it said ' AKA, the home of all Fangirls'.

The poor sucker was then devoured by fangirls, never to see the light of day again.

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><p><strong>This seemed so much longer on my computer. -_- <strong>

**Anyways, did I just pair Zelda up with Groose? Why, yes I did. I will now allow you to toss me into a pit of Re-deads if it makes you feel any better, ZeLink lovers.**

**I just probably made most of the Zelda community hate me just by writing this chapter. MUWAHAHAHAHA!**

**Anyways, thanks for waiting this long for a new chapter, I have no clue why I couldn't get this done faster. Next up, I'll probably do either MalonXLink, FiXLink, or IliaXLink. **

**Reviews are like chocolate chip cookies- they put you in a good mood no matter how you were feeling beforehand.**

**See ya in the next chapter!**

**~ Foundations of Stone**


	5. Chapter 5 Fi

**Hey guys! I meant to update yesterday, but * insert random excuse here*. :P**

**Toasty- That, was pure awesomeness, plus, it's so true. XD**

**TFBXthefirebreatheX- I'm glad you liked it. * shudders* I'm not sure if I would want to meet Grink ( althought it does have a nice ring to it), he'd probably creep me out.**

**Reiz16- You Lol-ed? That's good, I do enjoy making people laugh. :)**

**Princess Zora- * cowers* I'm sorry for making it GrooseXZelda! * Kowtows* I really appreciate you not feeding me to the re-deads. Anyways, you happen to be in luck, because I had been planning to throw that in this one anyways. Unfortunately, I had a difficult time writing late at night, so we'll see what happens. XD**

**Ribke D'Crazy- Yay! You liked it! **

**ZeldaRubix- Ahaha, I like to incorporate fangirls into whatever I write, they tend to make things ten times more funny. :)**

**SAVIOR OF HYRULE- Thanks for not feeding me to the re-deads, I appreciate it. ;)**

**Aaallll- Hrmm, LinkXMidna could work out before the end of TP, but not afterwards. Either way, I plan to do one of these for every paring I can think of, whether they make sense or not. :P**

**Random- Princess Zora showed this to you? Could you give her a massive hug for me? ( if that's not too awkward :P) Anyways, I'm glad you liked it, poor Link, maybe we should help him improve his girl skills. He could certainly use it. **

**HylianprincessZ- *phew* you don't want to kill me, I was mildly concerned about feeling the wrath of ZeLink fans. You were one of the fangirls? Did you happen to get a piece of Link when he was devoured? ;P**

**Thanks for all of the reviews, they always make me smile. And to all of the new reviewers: welcome to my miniature army of reviewers that I shall use to take over the world someday!**

**Disclaimer: Because a fifteen year old girl would totally own Legend of Zelda. -_- **

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><p>Link groaned for the umpteenth time that evening. He was getting married to his beloved Fi in the morning, and the male residents of Skyloft had decided to throw him a bachelor party. It was going as well as Link had expected it to—which wasn't well at all. Most of the guests had left already, leaving only a small group of people: Groose ( Link really had no clue why the red-haired idiot had shown up), Stritch, Cawlin, Fledge, Pipit, Parrow, Scrapper, and for some odd reason Girahim had made an appearance. Some random girl had shown up at his door earlier in the evening, dragging a powerless Girahim with her, saying that he was 'necessary for the plot' or something like that.<p>

Link had muttered something about how the evening couldn't get any weirder, moved out of the way, and allowed the strange girl to shove Girahim into the already crowded room. Nobody there really knew who the demon lord was, so they had welcomed him into the insanity that was this party.

Everyone in the room seemed to be having a good time, Stritch was reading a love poem to one of his bugs while Cawlin and Groose arm wrestled, Fledge, Pipit, and Parrow played cards with Scrapper, and Girahim sat around looking for ways to escape this weird Skyloftian custom. All in all, it was a pretty normal evening in Skyloft, minus the psychotic demon lord.

A soft knocking at the door made Link jump. He hadn't been expecting anyone else, but then again, anything could happen at this point. He crossed the room and opened the door to find Fi on the other side with a strange expression on her face, she seemed almost troubled.

" Master." Fi began hesitantly, something that was completely unlike her " There is an eighty-six percent that I cannot participate in the ceremony tomorrow." Link's jaw dropped " What? Is something wrong?"

Fi blinked slowly " According to human customs, I am currently in a situation that would make it inappropriate for me to be joined with you tomorrow." The hero sighed at his fiancée, he found it so difficult to focus on her words when she looked so gosh-darn beautiful in the moonlight.

The light seemed to reflect off of the different hues of purple and blue on her smooth skin-like exterior, making her glow more than usual. " Master?" Fi asked, snapping Link out of his reverie. " I'm sorry" he sighed, running a hand through his hair " what situation were you talking about?"

Fi studied him for a moment before beginning " I am carrying Lord Girahim's offspring."

Link sat there for a moment trying to process what Fi had just said. He glanced back inside of the hut and stared at an incredibly bored Girahim. When the creepy servant of Demise noticed him, Link beckoned him out, and Girahim ( who was desperately looking for something to do) got up and started towards the two companions.

" What is it, _hero"_ Girahim sneered as he reached link and Fi. Link then punched Girahim and walked away muttering something about needing another pedestal.

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><p>The next day, Fi married Girahim, much to the confusion of the Skyloftians, but things had been rather strange lately, so they just shrugged it off. All seemed to be going well, and Fi even seemed to be expressing happiness, when suddenly, someone wearing a garbage bag and a mask, flew in on a crimson Loftwing, grabbed Fi and Girahim by their heads, and flew off.<p>

Link cackled like a madman as he landed with the two sword spirits, apparently grabbing them by their heads for an extended period of time turned them back into swords. Dragging sword Fi and sword Girahim behind him, Link headed for the Sealed Temple.

Upon reaching the temple, Link stabbed sword Fi into the pedestal he had first found her. He then set sword Girahim down and pulled out the new pedestal that he had made out of his adventurer's pocket.

Once Link finished duct-taping the new pedestal to the floor, he promptly stuck sword Girahim inside it, and walked away, leaving the two sword-lovers to spend the rest of eternity together, while he played Skyrim until the end of his days.

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><p><strong>That was...Weird. By the way, don't ask me what was going through my mind as I wrote this. My brain does weird things when I'm sick and typing something this late. XD<strong>

**How was it? I wanted to throw some GiraFi in here, because I thought it would be hilarious, but I wasn't entirely sure what to do with them, and POOF! This incredibly strange update was born.**

**I like reviews, so does this adorable, non-existent Kikwi plushie. * holds up plushie* **

**See you guys in the next update!**

**~Foundations of Stone**


	6. Chapter 6 Ilia

**Here's the latest update of _Why Link Should Remain Single Forever, _and I hope you guys enjoy it. I really appreciate your patience, and I'm sorry my updates are so slow. :)**

**ZeldaRubix- You thought it was the funniest? Maybe it was better than I thought. I'm really glad you enjoyed it.**

**Vaati the Sorcerer Kitten- Yes, Link is very weird. I think it comes from having to spend time with me. By reviewing, you automatically in my army, so the answer to that question is yes. :) By the way, I love your name.**

**Zora Princess- You and Random are so lucky to be that close, I used to have a friend like that. :) Ahaha, maybe my timing is better than I thought, and I would love to hear about the GhiraFi fanchildren. I wonder what they would be like... 0.o You saw a LinkXRe-dead fanfic? YOU MUST SHOW ME! I would totally write about that, it sounds like it's right up my alley. ;) I actually don't start work until the twenty-third, but thanks anyways, I'm really excited.**

**Random- Thanks for passing on the hug, I appreciate it. :P To be completely honest, I didn't see it coming either. I was reading through it after I finished, and I was, like, "what did I just write?" I've seen Kikwi plushies too, but I don't think I have the skill to sew something without a pattern. I'd probably make it look like a mangled platypus or something. If you make one, I will give you the virtual crown of awesomeness. XD**

**ThefirebreathX- I agree, it was rather crazy, but without craziness, this whole concept would fall apart. :P Glad you liked it, though. I am adding LinkXNabooru as we speak to my mental list. :D**

**Error code 666- Awe shucks, I'm flattered you like them so much. :) I hadn't noticed that Skyrim came up that often, but then again, I don't see parodyish fanfics all that often. Maybe the Skyrim characters play Brawl or something. ;)**

**Reiz16- You can most definitely be a general! * evil laugh* You like my author's notes and disclaimers? Wow, nobody's ever complimented me on them before, thanks! I try to incorporate my sense of humor into most things. :) It was random, wasn't it? I actually surprised myself when I wrote that. :P Oh man, have I really been spelling his name wrong all this time? That's actually really awkward, I really need to study the spelling of character names more often. Thanks for letting me know!**

**Thanks everyone for the reviews, I love hearing from you guys! Plus, they make me really happy. :P**

**Disclaimer: If I owned Legend of Zelda, there would have been a 'glomp' button in the Minish Cap, which enabled the player to glomp Vaati. ( Total Vaati fangirl)**

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><p>Link hummed Epona's Song to himself as he brushed his four-legged friend, tugging gently whenever he came across a knot. As long a task as this was, he didn't mind, Epona had helped him out a lot during his travels- plus, Ilia would murder him if he didn't.<p>

Link wasn't entirely sure how he had lived this long, considering how angry Ilia got whenever Epona pulled a muscle, had burrs tangled in her fur, or even had the tiniest scrape. He was guessing that his survival was dependent on his relationship with the local nutcase.

" Link!" Ilia called , running towards the Light Spring, with an unusual look on her face- she almost seemed upset . Link sighed and braced himself for whatever was bugging her.

As soon as she reached Link, Ilia began to inspect Epona for anything out of the ordinary. After she was satisfied , she turned to Link " I have to talk to you about something, could we go for a walk?"

Link shrugged " sure, what's wrong?" When Ilia didn't respond, Link sighed again and gestured to the exit to the Light Spring " shall we?"

Ilia nodded and led the way towards the exit, only glancing back to make sure Link was following. The hero rubbed his eyes and followed Ilia, something told him that this was not going to be fun.

After crossing the bridge, Ilia quickly chose a spot, sat down, and Link followed suit. Link tilted his head in confusion " what was it you wanted to talk to me about?"

Ilia took a deep breath " I feel that this isn't working, and I would like to end our relationship" she murmured, looking him in the eye.

This statement just brought more questions to Link's mind. " Why?" He asked, " did I do something?"

Ilia's frown deepened " my reasons are my own, but I feel there is one more thing we need to discuss", and without waiting for Link to respond, she continued to speak. " We need to discuss the custody of Epona."

It took all of Link's will power not to burst out laughing at her sentence. Epona was obviously his, and they weren't even married, for Din's sake! Why should there even be a debate as to who took ownership of Epona? " What do you mean? Epona is _my _horse after all." He responded, trying hard not to laugh at the pure ridiculousness of the whole situation.

The Nutcase glared at him " you have no right to keep a horse that you treat so poorly!" Ilia then began to ramble on about all the terrible things he did to Epona, until the poor hero died of boredom.

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><p><strong>Did anyone else want to strangle Ilia when she stole Epona in Twilight Princess? Anyways, how was that? It's harder to write about pairings that actually make sense, which is why I decided to drag poor Epona into this. XD<strong>

**I really need to stop killing Link off, or else one of these days, he'll turn into a re-dead or something...**

**If there are any odd pairings you guys can think of, let me know. I have a mental list of pairings, but most of them are the ones that you see on a regular basis around here.**

**See you later, my minions! **

**~ Foundations of Stone.**

**P.S Anyone as excited as I am for the E3? I watched the pre- conference video that Nintendo uploaded yesterday, and now I'm even more excited for the WiiU!  
><strong>


	7. Chapter 7 Malon

**Heyyo people! Sorry this one took so long, but I tried glomping Vaati and he didn't seem to appreciate that. Poor Link had to come and rescue me...**

**PinayAngelisaBEAST- I'm glad you like them so far, and I hope you like this one. My brother and I had the same reaction when she stole Epona. A LinkxEpona one would be absolutely amazing, I'm so doing that now. :P**

**Zora Princess- I actually started looking up LinkxRedead, and I found some pretty funny stuff. The things you find on the internet... You got your licence? Congrats! Have you started babysitting yet? I love the fan children, by the way, I could never do something that detailed. :P **

**Captain Germany- Okay?**

**ZeldaRubix- I honestly have no idea where these things come from, but as soon as I figure it out, I will let you know. I agree, Ilia gets upset rather quickly, it's probably for the best that they didn't work out. XD**

**Vaati the Sorcerer Kitten- Yes, your name is definitely creative, and it always makes me chuckle, 'cause I keep picturing Vaati in kitten form.**

**A Shadow's Lament- I feel kinda bad for Link, considering he rarely survives my shorts. I'm so cruel to him... I am definitely keeping EponaxLink in mind, as there's been a couple of requests for that one. Plus, it has so much potential. ;)**

**OlegEqualzName- I remember you! I do talk about myself a lot, don't I... Sorry, it's a bit of a habit for me to talk excessively on the internet. It's weird, though, because I'm actually pretty quiet... Anyways, yay! You liked them! Also, I'm definitely checking out that parody you mentioned, it sounds humorous. :P **

**Random Girl- I wouldn't be surprised if you were right- she probably is just there for comedic relief. I agree, she couldn't be a mary-sue, because nobody likes her. XP**

**Reiz16- MWAHAHAHAHA! Good work, general. It seems we have some new recruits, so some training might be required. You don't normally review an author more than once? I feel so special. Yeah, I was kinda rushing the end, but I can't remember why...**

**Anon- * runs away screaming* Not the Fortress of Doom! FLEEEEEEEEEE.**

**Thanks for reviewing everyone, you guys give me warm fuzzies. :P**

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><p>Link bent over, gasping for for breath as he ducked behind a tree. After glancing behind to make sure that there weren't any Gerudo right behind him, Link flopped down on the sand. How had it come to this?<p>

It had all started when he had asked that dang farm girl out...

_" Sorry" Malon had responded apologetically " I'm into real men... Like Chuck Norris!" The redhead then began to squeal and stare dreamily at the posters lining her bedroom wall. _

_Link stared at her in confusion, she had rejected him? Never before in the history of Hyrule had a girl rejected him. He had to fix this. _

_" There must be something I can do to convince you!" Malon then smirked and whispered something in the green-capped hero's ear. _

_"What?" Link exclaimed " That's suicide!" _

_The farm girl grinned " you're a hero, right? Heroes have to be willing to risk their lives for beautiful maidens."_

That was how Link had ended up at the Gerudo Fortress. Unfortunately, Malon's task happened to involve actually going into the fort.

That had been the easy part. The second part... Not so much.

Link had been sneaking around the fortress, looking for a lone Gerudo when he nearly walked right into a whole patrol of them.

" Hey guys?" He began weakly, backing away slowly. As suicidal as it was, he had no choice but to start phase two of his mini quest.

Link took a deep breath and wolf-whistled at the whole patrol of Gerudo.

The poor guy didn't make it very far before they found him hiding behind the tree.

Chuck Norris would have made it out...

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><p><strong>I don't even...<strong>

**Anyways, how was that? Sorry it's so short, but it's pretty crazy over here...  
><strong>

**I probably shouldn't have thrown Chuck Norris in, but I couldn't resist. XD**

**Reviews are like Red Bull, they give me wings!**

**Diet water for all of my minions! ( diet water will be our trademark refreshment once we take over the world)**

**~ Foundations of Stone **


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